Monday, May 29, 2006

remembering

well it is monday morning or sunday night actually since I haven't gone to bed yet. Late at night - usually when i do my mind wandering thoughts. I got to thinking about what would happen if things didn't work out with this cancer stuff. I was talking to UhOh on the IM tonight and she was in a bummer mood. We talked and I hope she feels better about things. We talked about going to the cancer support group meeting in the area and stuff like that.

Later she logged off and went to bed. Well I went onto the porch to smoke a cigarette (and yes a hitter too) and got to thinking about pammy and things. Well things went to thinking about Michael and stuff. Once again I argued with the Phantoms about all of that. What kind of a father would I be if I did not even consider that I could have played some instrument of preventing his death. What type of father would just shrug his shoulders and say "Not my fault?" What I say what????

There was that month. That whole month where I knew what was going on and I choosed to do nothing. There were years that I attempted to stop his drug use, but was I affective? No, not in the least. Yes, I could have been more persuasive. I could have coralled him down a bit and tried to get him to listen to reason. But did I figure out what exactly could I have done???? Besides taking a 2x4 to his head, I never figured out what to do. Did I used the 2x4 - a big fat NO.

Maybe that is what is driving me to do what I can for Pammy. That maybe, through my work, she can save the energy to beat this Ovarian Cancer. Odds are not favorable, BUT there is a 40 percent chance. Those are pretty good odds in my house. Now we play Bennett Ball!!!
I love you Ohdee - I sure wish you didn't have to go through all this.

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