lots of things

Well lots of things has happened since the last posting. I turned 50 YEAH!!!! I finally made it. Not sure how good that is or not but here I am.

Pam had her surgery and it well very good. We are currently taking Chemo therapy and she is on her second round. She has 3 weeks of chemo and then a week off, then we start it all over again. They did some type of blood test and the doctor was telling us that the count before surgery was in excess of 3000, after surgery but before chemo started she was at 330. After 3 weeks of chemo it was down to 37.1 - another YEAH!!!

She started losing her hair two weeks ago. You should have heard her on the phone when she called. I could tell she was close to crying. I can't tell you how that tore me up. All this is taking its toll on her though. My once smart and bright wife has changed. The painkillers has turned her loopy, not to mention the poison that is coursing through her body. My once independant wife has become very dependant upon me for everything. All of it is just dragging her down. Not to mention what it is doing to me as I watch her go through all this.

We have some friends who are going through about the same thing as we are. The husband has Lung cancer and the wife is the caregiver. We have known them a very long time and have been good friends with them. We were very close and used to bowl and hang out and do all kinds of stuff together. We moved and kinda went our separate ways for awhile. My heart goes out to them.

I can't explain how I feel as I watch these two vibrant independant people get taken down to their knees by this blackness. I feel so helpless standing back watching as they go through all this.

I am the oldest son, the big brother, the lover, the daddy, the knight in shining armor that is suppose to fix all the wrongs. How can I fix this? What can I do? My sword is not sharp enough, my armor is not thick enough, my magic is not good enough. I want to reach out and take her in my arms and hold her, take this blackness away, this darkness that has engulfed each of our lives.

The feelings that I have, I can not share. There is nobody that will understand. Nobody will. How can I hold these feelings? I want so much to take her into my arms and rock her until the hurt is gone. Until the darkness has left. All I can do is stand back and watch.

and the tears well up and I cry inside