yeah me

Oh happy happy joy joy guess what guess what

No, you gotta guess (happy happy joy joy)

Yep, got a new computer - whooooo hoooooooo

160 hard drive - yeah baby yeah

got lots of room to put all kinds of stuff on it.

Anyway, we went and bought a new computer last thursday night. Walked in, looked at a couple of models and decided upon the one we got all within about 15 minutes. Out the door we went with this new compaq. Yeah baby.

Got home and took me about 4 hours to get it all setup just perfectly. Got the old one on the front porch waiting for me and son to canabalize it and put it into the fiance's old computer. Should give them a decent little machine and I got the new one WITHOUT the son and fiance on it - super-duper YEAH!!!!!

it's been awhile since we bought a new one. Probably close to 10 years ago. Well IBM 486 running at 35 mx was the last "new" one. We bought the toshiba refurbished for around a three hundred (give or take). The IBM was about 3 times as much as the new Compaq. Talk about a difference in price. I remember setting-up the IBM the first time and after every restore. Took a long time. This compaq took me 3 days to finally get the shit all straight and narrow. To many programs needing "Benchmarks" etc. Pain in the arsp.

Installed the old hard drive into the new computer and found all kinds of file errors from the meltdown. Funny how some stuff was lost but some stuff was saved. A lot of pictures and stuff are gone. None of the programs on the old hard drive will transfer over or run. I do think that most of the coven and pagan stuff is saved though. Golly I hope so. Hate to try to rebuild all that stuff. That Coven CD Book of Shadows would be a really big pain.

But I got a new computer - YEAH

I so love the Family Finance Manager

Yeah I'm cheap

a little food, some coffee, a bit of sex and a nice present once in a while

yep I'm cheap

remembering

well it is monday morning or sunday night actually since I haven't gone to bed yet. Late at night - usually when i do my mind wandering thoughts. I got to thinking about what would happen if things didn't work out with this cancer stuff. I was talking to UhOh on the IM tonight and she was in a bummer mood. We talked and I hope she feels better about things. We talked about going to the cancer support group meeting in the area and stuff like that.

Later she logged off and went to bed. Well I went onto the porch to smoke a cigarette (and yes a hitter too) and got to thinking about pammy and things. Well things went to thinking about Michael and stuff. Once again I argued with the Phantoms about all of that. What kind of a father would I be if I did not even consider that I could have played some instrument of preventing his death. What type of father would just shrug his shoulders and say "Not my fault?" What I say what????

There was that month. That whole month where I knew what was going on and I choosed to do nothing. There were years that I attempted to stop his drug use, but was I affective? No, not in the least. Yes, I could have been more persuasive. I could have coralled him down a bit and tried to get him to listen to reason. But did I figure out what exactly could I have done???? Besides taking a 2x4 to his head, I never figured out what to do. Did I used the 2x4 - a big fat NO.

Maybe that is what is driving me to do what I can for Pammy. That maybe, through my work, she can save the energy to beat this Ovarian Cancer. Odds are not favorable, BUT there is a 40 percent chance. Those are pretty good odds in my house. Now we play Bennett Ball!!!
I love you Ohdee - I sure wish you didn't have to go through all this.

Aaaarrgghhhh

I'm not handling this very well. No matter how many times I go over the details, life has totally turned for the worst. I am truly not sure if I can continue to handle this tragedy that has come to plague my life. Yes, I know I know- things always look blacker before the dawn but still many of you will sympathize with me. Specially if you know me and know what happened Saturday morning has so devastated me so deeply.

My "Baby" - my sweet and innocent little baby - her - her - motherboard melted. Yes, yes yes - I know - I know - how, you ask, am I managing. It is hard. The wife went to turn the computer on Saturday morning and it just sat there. Like a big old paperweight on a desk - sat there. No bells, no beeps, no lights - NOTHING!!!! It is dead to the world. I took the side off and through trial-n-error figured out the cpu cooling fan stopped working. Plugging it into another outlet though, gets plenty of breeze from it. So that part of the motherboard's circuits are bad. Not good Not good. Some how, I just know I can blame this on the kid - it's all his fault - he is the one who is downloading all the smut pictures (oh baby you should see some of them whoa hoo) and music junk. Spyware and spamware all over the computer if it wasn't for my diligent work keeping the junk off the computer.

So, now I am in negotiations with the Family Finance Manager to see what exactly this household can afford (and I am allowed to purchase). I'm leaning towards a new laptop but would settle for a new motherboard. Don't want to push it too much you know. LOL

Anyway, my weekend was shot right from the get go. Not only did the computer take a dive, but we got a new bed Friday night and the coffee pot was retired (not by me). Oh yeah, we "thought" the kid was moving out this weekend but no, decided that maybe next weekend will be the move out weekend. Man, not sure if I can handle any more of these type of weekends. :-/

words

I received an email from a good friend last night. Reading his email, the words he had typed in it, had a profound affect on me. His words made me laugh outloud, cry deeply, and then felt wonderfully warm inside. Isn't it amazing what simple words placed in a specific order on a piece of paper will do to a person. How those words, formed by one human being, manipulated and scribed, will cause such profound effect upon another human being. His words touched deeply to my soul as I felt those words he wrote. I'm not sure he intended for the effect they had on me, but he did know they would touch me. He knew, when writing them, that they would touch me, but I do not think he realized how deeply they would.

For that, for his friendship, I am grateful.

lots of things

Well lots of things has happened since the last posting. I turned 50 YEAH!!!! I finally made it. Not sure how good that is or not but here I am.

Pam had her surgery and it well very good. We are currently taking Chemo therapy and she is on her second round. She has 3 weeks of chemo and then a week off, then we start it all over again. They did some type of blood test and the doctor was telling us that the count before surgery was in excess of 3000, after surgery but before chemo started she was at 330. After 3 weeks of chemo it was down to 37.1 - another YEAH!!!

She started losing her hair two weeks ago. You should have heard her on the phone when she called. I could tell she was close to crying. I can't tell you how that tore me up. All this is taking its toll on her though. My once smart and bright wife has changed. The painkillers has turned her loopy, not to mention the poison that is coursing through her body. My once independant wife has become very dependant upon me for everything. All of it is just dragging her down. Not to mention what it is doing to me as I watch her go through all this.

We have some friends who are going through about the same thing as we are. The husband has Lung cancer and the wife is the caregiver. We have known them a very long time and have been good friends with them. We were very close and used to bowl and hang out and do all kinds of stuff together. We moved and kinda went our separate ways for awhile. My heart goes out to them.

I can't explain how I feel as I watch these two vibrant independant people get taken down to their knees by this blackness. I feel so helpless standing back watching as they go through all this.

I am the oldest son, the big brother, the lover, the daddy, the knight in shining armor that is suppose to fix all the wrongs. How can I fix this? What can I do? My sword is not sharp enough, my armor is not thick enough, my magic is not good enough. I want to reach out and take her in my arms and hold her, take this blackness away, this darkness that has engulfed each of our lives.

The feelings that I have, I can not share. There is nobody that will understand. Nobody will. How can I hold these feelings? I want so much to take her into my arms and rock her until the hurt is gone. Until the darkness has left. All I can do is stand back and watch.

and the tears well up and I cry inside