As I sit here this morning, I am reminded of my frailty of being an older human-being. My knees hurt like a Banshee’. Why, I’m not sure. Unless it was the 8-hour round-trip drive to St. Louis airport on Wednesday and Friday night to drop off and later pick up my daughter as she flew to California. Sitting in the confines of a car seat as we hurled down the road to our destination, really does the body good. Yes, yes we did stop at the required Rest areas and the gas station to a fro. Still again, I was very lethargic yesterday and it is taking much mustering of soul to make me move today. Dang, I’ve gotten lazy.
Which makes me think of the future and more dominantly my future. I’ve known for quite some time that I will have problems with my legs and knees. I have had some stiffness etc. in them for quite some time anyway. The bicycle wreck trying to go between the telephone pole and garage probably didn’t help any on that aspect now did it? Trying to squeeze my bike and myself between the two did not do me any good at all. The one bright spot in that incident was the bike did make it through.
I wonder though, as I sit here, will the future bring the use of walking sticks? Maybe, like my great grandfather, the use of two canes to help balance. He also had problems with his knees and back stemming from a cave-in during his youth.
A friend said once that he foresaw himself hoeing the ground while sitting on a stool. We will make do with what we have and overcome our deficiencies by whatever means we can. We individually, will not have to “do it all.” I must <shudder> rely upon others to take care of the things that I can not or could not do. That, in itself, is a growing pain that I will have to deal with.
As an only child growing up, I did not have the benefit of relying upon siblings to help me in times of need. Nor did I have the ability of blaming things upon another. My invisible friends, although getting me into much mischief, could not take the brunt of my parents discipline upon the discovery of the broken window. I learned that I was alone in the physical world. Albeit, I did have an entourage of friends and family around me, it didn’t help when I need a physical hand to help hold the rope or fix my bike. They were there only to counsel, critique and comfort. I learned that I was responsible for my actions and, for that matter, my inactions.
I do not know when the dreams started for they have been with me for so long. I do know that when I started telling people about them, that the result was my hospitalization. I quickly learned that to leave that place I had to "abide by their rules.” I learned the hard way, that to share my thoughts, memories, dreams or fears was to be given threats and pills. It wasn’t cool to tell the adults that they are screwing up the planet, that they didn’t know what was really going on. A young boy should not be worried about these things. He should not be questioning the things that were being questioned. Little Johnny should get into line and walk the same as everyone else.
Now, I find myself in a place where I may be able share these horrors that I have seen. The atrocities against mankind that I have witnessed in my dreams. These dreams that have been shelved and forced to forget. It is hard to retrain yourself not to forget after doing it for so long. To dream the dreams and allow the floodgates to open once again.
I must learn to rely upon others.
